John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
