I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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