cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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