she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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