I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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