I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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