Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
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Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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