lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
