My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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