Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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