I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
