I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
