hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
