Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
