this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it was like eating out sand paper
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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