Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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