i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
