mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The uberlube is also flammable
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
