"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Your dad touched me again.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
