She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
