hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
