I wish I could punch you in the face.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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