I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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