can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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