A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
