It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
