I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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