I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
