He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize