You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I love you.
Bad choice
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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