yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
