Do you still have your period?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
