his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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