I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
