i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
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Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
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This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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