I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
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WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
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Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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