I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
