you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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