if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
