having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize