My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
