if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You pole danced in your parka.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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