I want to walk on stilts...naked
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
