Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
