My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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