Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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