Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
