You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
