hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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