I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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