If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
