No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It's not a walk of shame if you run
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
