Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
