There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
