I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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