I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
