Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
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hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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