yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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