So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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